my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
