I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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