2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
