Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
