I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
