On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
