Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
