Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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