im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
