After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
