I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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