Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
