life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
