Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
cat food counts as protein by the way
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
