So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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