I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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