Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
