We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He had one of those small greek statue penises
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Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️