I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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