he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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