Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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