Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
