oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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