Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
