some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
