u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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