How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
