I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I FOUND THE LEGS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
