I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
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You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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