so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
