Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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