Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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