Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
