in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Also, beer. Big fan.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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