You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
