You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
