On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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