i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
