i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
