Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
