My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
