my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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