white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
