i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
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