I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
whose parrot is this?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
