the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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