Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
