I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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