oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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