Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
