he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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