why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
