Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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