I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
