Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
