after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
