i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
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She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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