I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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