Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
