I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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